Our internet was out for a whole week. I know, it's been longer than that since I've posted. Sorry!
I've just felt so disconnected in the last month or so. Wasting time on things that don't matter. Not wanting to be involved in things. Having a bad attitude. I had a hard time figuring out what was wrong with me.
But don't worry, I did figure it out. I realized two things were going on in my heart that it took me a long time to discover.
One, I'm homesick. Incredibly homesick. I had no idea one could get this homesick. I didn't realize that until yesterday.
I miss everyone, everything, so much.
My heart still hurts right now, but at least I know what's going on. I read a quote this morning by Oswald Chambers, but now I can't find it again. So here's what I remember about it... "If you're happy, be happy. If you're sad, be sad. And let God use that however he sees fit."
That's my paraphrase. It could be that it said nothing like that, and that's just what I got from it. So I'm admitting it. I'm sad right now.
But one can have joy and be sad at the same time, right? I think that's going on inside of me right now.
Two, I was losing my satisfaction in the Lord. That sounds very dangerous. It is very dangerous.
A couple weekends ago we had a ladies retreat. It was here at Ukarumpa, and I stayed at my house, but we had a special speaker, spiritual "activities", and lots of worship. A good friend asked me how I was. And I told her that I was disconnected. She asked me why. And I didn't have an answer for her. Until later that day when I was reminded of this quote by John Piper:
"God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him"
It's true. When I allow myself to rest in satisfaction of him and who I am in him, I hunger for him, for his word. And out of that flows obedience, joy, love. And that's what was missing in my life. That hunger for him that comes from satisfaction in him.
You know, God looks at us in satisfaction, too. The next day the speaker read a verse that God gave me over a year ago. But I had never heard it in this version before...
The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, a Savior [who saves]! He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest [in silent satisfaction] and in His love He will be silent and make no mention [of past sins, or even recall them]; He will exult over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17 (Amp)
Silent Satisfaction.
God looks at me in silent satisfaction. He looks at you in silent satisfaction.
So now you know of a good way to pray for me. But also know that I know that I'm here for a reason. That somehow my being here is bringing glory to the Lord. And I want to live in full knowledge of that.
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